Six Degrees of Snark

American Idol Recap 3/25/08

2008-03-26T09:16:00.005-04:00

Here we are, breaking free of the prison that was Beatles Week(s) in order to bring you our first recap. The idols are singing songs tonight from the year they were born.
Ryan Seacrest is up in a natty charcoal grey suit. He introduces the judges and our attention is immediately caught by Paula, who seems to be wearing some sort of leather gauntlets on her hands. They're mildly terrifying.
The Top 10 are submitted for our approval, and for the most part everyone looks good. Michael Johns is wearing a very small vest, and Ramiele is in some weird looking pirate shorts/boot ensemble. Ramiele and Carly could maybe stand to let someone else pick their outfits.
Captain Ramiele is up first, and in her video, she talks about being born in Saudi Arabia, and her super-cute parents tell a story about how she used to bite people when she was a little kid. It's all very charming. Ramiele is going be singing "Alone" by Heart, which we think might be a little risky. Also, Carly already sang this song really well, and obviously someone is going to bring that up. Ramiele starts off pretty well, but her voice has an odd hoarseness to it that we haven't heard before. When the song really starts to take off, the hoarseness gets a little worse, and it's clear that she's sick. She still manages to blast out the big notes, and ends up doing a decent job.
Randy mentions that she's sick, then tells Rami that he thought it was too big a song for her and that Carly did a better job. He didn't like it. Paula, who also looks either sick or extremely drunk, did not like it either. She slurs encouragement at Rami and gestures with her gauntlets. It's a wonder she can keep her head off the table. Simon doesn't agree with Randy, he thought it was pretty good, and compared to last week, he thinks she'll have no problem skating through.
Ryan gets up and starts instigating, asking Randy if he's being too harsh tonight. Simon and Randy do a little banter and Randy ends by stating, rather meanly, that he didn't like Ramiele's performance this week or last week, which makes Ramiele sad. Paula jumps to her defense, calls her fabulous, and thank God, there's the music. Ramiele is so adorable- we hate to see her get all upset.
After the commercial, Ryan's all in the camera talking about the songwriter's contest, and after that is everyone's favorite dreadlocked elf of doom, Jason "Facebook" Castro. He was born in Dallas, and apparently his zodiac sign is Aries, which...Jason doesn't know how to pronounce. Like, at all. He gives the impression that he wants to pronounce it "Awwies", which is fucking hilarious. He's an idiot. It's also his birthday tonight, so -- great. He's got some cute baby pictures, and he goofily tells some story about him and his brother playing plastic instruments.
Facebook is singing "Fragile" by Sting, and first of all, we have to turn the volume up about fifty times so we can hear his tiny little baby voice. Second, he is wearing a hideous combo of mustard yellow pants and white old-man shoes. Seriously, he could change pants and shoes with Ramiele and they both might look better. He's on his guitar again, and it really is just very boring. We yawned about ten times while he was singing. Of course, the camera ends on a shot of his gorgeous eyes and dreadlocks omg he's so sensitive!!1!! and he gets a standing ovation. Whatever. Randy says the song is one of his favorites, and he liked Jason's performance, although he didn't take any risks vocally. Paula thinks that he stays true to himself, but thought there was no wow factor. Her statements are a little hard to take seriously, since she's looking at Jason with a mixture of lust and intoxication in her eyes, but somehow she pulls it off. Simon thinks Jason's had two bad weeks, and that he's not taking it seriously. He says the performance was the equivalent of "busking outside a subway station" and the crowd boos. Simon dresses him down for being lazy and says he could win if he took it seriously. Jason makes Muppet-faces at everyone and mumbles something to Ryan about understanding where Simon is coming from. He's so awkward and weird on camera. Everyone laughs good-naturedly at his stoner ass, and he shuffles back to Fraggle Rock.
Syesha Mercado is up. She does that terrifying baby cry that she does, they show some cute pictures of her in dance costumes, and she talks about being goofy. Syesha is going to sing "If I Were Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills, which is exciting. She looks pretty, with her hair back to natural, and ----- Syesha starts doing the damn thing! She does an amazing job with the song, every note is spot on. Who is this woman and what has she done with boring old Syesha? She sounds better than we've ever heard her.
Randy agrees, says it's her best ever. Syesha is all excited. Paula thinks this is the moment Syesha became the dark horse in the competition. Simon wasn't feeling it. He thinks her range is limited. Paula is gesturing wildly with her hands tonight, here she points up at the ceiling. She's showing us her gloves, apparently.
Next is the lovable Chikezie. He's sitting with Seacrest and looking uncharacteristically nervous. Ryan asks him about song choice and Chikezie explains that he's been afraid to do ballads for a while due to the judges' comments. But tonight he's going to go with what he feels. Chikezie has the unfortunate birthdate of September 11th, and his parents, who seem as nice as he does, talk about Nigerian culture and explain that Chikezie's education always came first.
Chikezie does "If Only for One Night" by Luther, and he sounds wonderful. As usual, he makes it look easy, interacting with the audience, and adding some really nice runs in his performance. There's an extremely distracting graphic of lit candles on the backdrop, but other than that, we loved it.
Randy calls Chikezie old-fashioned and compares his performance to Syesha's. We understand where Randy is coming from, but seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It seems like he can never fully please the judges. Randy thinks it was boring. Paula disagrees, she thinks Chikezie is a good throwback and likes the textures of his voice. Simon liked the singing, but hated the performance, when Chikezie was touching the hands of the girls in the pit. Paula and Chikezie both start to talk back, and the music goes up. Ryan starts to do his spiel, and Simon actually makes them stop the music so he can finish by saying that Chikezie did not sound original and that he misses his old personality.
Everyone's golden girl, Brooke White, is from an extremely blond family. Her parents, who look like older, more sun-damaged versions of Brooke, explain that Brooke learned the piano by ear at a young age, and has never taken piano lessons.
Brooke will be singing "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. And right away she proves the no-piano-lesson fact by going "Every brea--", stopping, repositioning her fingers on the piano, and starting the song over. Appalling. Her hair and makeup look really good, but you can see on her face that she's worried about the mistake. When she's done, she takes a little retarded bow because the audience is going crazy. They loved it, warts and all.
Paula liked it a lot better than "Here Comes the Sun" from last week. Who didn't?
Brooke knows, and admits the false start was a glaring error. Ryan brings up the mistake, and favorite-playing ensues. Randy and Paula are so enamored with Ms. White that Paula encourages her by saying "That's Brooke." Seacrest chimes in that it's "very real and very honest." An honest mistake to be sure. Randy, who called it "professionalism" following the performance thinks it's "great." That she screwed up. Looks like we'll be basking in the heavenly glow of Brooke White for several more weeks.
After the break, Ryan tells us about some promotion where fans can choose the logo on the Coca-Cola cups that advertise at us from the judge's table. He comments that Simon's cup is empty, flips it over and-- surprise! It isn't. Seacrest tries to get through the segue acting like he didn't just dump Coca-Cola directly into his palm. America isn't fooled.
Crocodile Dundee is next. We ignore most of his video, only looking up at the end in time to see him make a hideous scrunched up face and pump his fists up and down. Blech. Old Michael will be singing "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" tonight, continuing his mission to defame every song that Freddie Mercury ever sang. Next week it'll be the Flash Gordon theme. Michael is predictable and on-key for a change. We hate his vest, and we hate him. It's a personal prejudice and we cop to it. Michael Johns makes us feel icky.
So of course they all loved it. They all think it was his best performance ever. Paula thinks it was his shining moment, and she also thinks a lot of other garbled bullshit no one can understand. Simon says it's the first time he's seen star potential in Michael, and the girls go crazy again. Of course, by girls, I mean Michael's 45-65 year old fans.
Here comes Carly Smithson, and boy, was she a cute kid. They show a bunch of pictures of her as a baby with all this curly red hair. Her mom is equally cute, and tells us that Carly was named after Carly Simon, who was playing on the radio as her mom rushed to the hospital in labor.
Carly will be singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart", which is kind of a lame choice, especially considering that 1984, the year she was born, is a fucking treasure trove of awesome songs. Why didn't she sing "Let's Hear It for the Boy", for fuck's sake?
Well, she's gonna do it, so here goes. We don't like her dress, but that's nothing new. She sounds good, as usual, but there's nothing great about it. Our attention starts to wander until we realize that Carly does not really know all these words. It's no Archuleta moment, but there's some garbling in there. She almost loses the last note and manages to save it. It's okay.
Randy didn't like the song choice or the performance. Paula disagrees and says that Carly could sell her a song she didn't even like. Paula liked the run at the end, but Randy says it wasn't in tune. Simon thought it sounded okay but the whole things was kind of off. He tells her to lighten up.
Ryan and David Archuleta banter about all the school he's missing, and little David mentions that he may miss the prom. Ryan asks who he wants to take, and David hedges. This is because he doesn't want to shout out "Daniel Radcliffe!" on national television. Ryan keeps prodding, and David blushes as they cut to his girlfriend or his girl friend, in the audience next to StageDad Archuleta. They show an old video of David and his sister doing a Mexican folk dance in cute little outfits.
Lil Archie is going to sing a song called "You're The Voice", which we don't know but is obviously very popular in Australia. Oooookay. It starts off really weird and off-putting. The boy can obviously sing, but this song sounds like a Christian song and it's just very odd. He ends on a big note and the audience loves it.
Randy thinks it was a weird song choice, but David A. can sing whatever. Paula was weirded out, too, but says he could sing the phone book. Simon says he's going to be honest, he didn't like it at all. The audience boos. Simon thought it was a theme park performance and that it didn't reflect David's personality. Simon ends by saying he doesn't believe David chose the song himself. Oh, snap! Simon just put StageDad on Front Street!
Before the commercial, Seacrest gives the camera a look and says , "Next, Kristy Lee Cook flies the flag." Of course we assume he is talking about a Confederate flag and we dissolve into giggles. Kristy Lee's video is even more yawn-worthy than Brooke's. Then Ryan introduces her, and fuck us all, she's singing "God Bless the USA". She starts out sitting on a stool, and then rises, all full of patriotic fire. Is this bitch serious? This conniving bitch is garnering millions of votes right now and we hate her. Whore.
Randy liked it. Paula thought it was a good song choice. Simon thinks it was her best performance by a mile, and compliments her on her clever song choice. She tries to stand up there and look innocent, but she's still a conniving whore.
Last, least, whatever, we have David Cook. He admits in his video to being an ugly baby, and then they show us, like, 40 ugly baby pictures, each worst than the last. In one pic, he's wearing a bunny suit, and he looks just like a baby version of that rabbit from Donnie Darko. Homeboy is fugly. He's going to sing Chris Cornell's version of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean", which, um, who remembers Chris Cornell, guys? We hate when these so-called "original" rockers like David and Daughtry use other people's interpretations of songs as their own. David proceeds to embarrass both Chris Cornell and Michael Jackson with his slow, dramatic, and highly sexualized version of "Billie Jean". It sounds like something my 13 year old cousin would listen to, and it's gross. His voice sounds good, but he is beginning to send out Constantine Maroulis vibes. After watching this version, we Youtube'd Chris Cornell's version and found it to be really haunting and beautiful and absolutely nothing like what came out of David's mouth.
The judges all loved it and the audience loved it. Randy says David could win this. Paula gives him a standing ovation with her gauntlets. Cook punches the air and acts like a douche.
So that's the story. Stay tuned for the updated rankings and the results show recap.

American Idol Rundown

2008-03-25T13:17:00.002-04:00

Hey, Snarkers!
We wanted to throw a little post out here to get everyone ready for tonight's show.
The recap will go up later on, but for right now, here's our contestant rundown.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha Mercado is a very pretty girl, and for some reason she looks like she should be the lead in a Tampax commercial. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, as we’re sure that kind of thing pays quite well, but she’s no American Idol. She’s sort of boring, frankly, and even though Simon likes her (or her breasts) we’re not totally feeling it. She’s one of the weaker singers in the competition, and we were not impressed with her over-emotional version of “Yesterday”. We’d like to see Syesha break out and do something interesting, but we’ve got a sinking feeling that it’s just going to be more of the same each week. However, if she keeps her tits out, she may be able to wrangle a higher spot.

Chikezie
Chikoozie, America really hates you. And that’s really unfair, because you’re pretty awesome. Chikezie’s fans are well aware that he is on the chopping block each week, and they’ll need to vote accordingly. Let’s hope that Chikezie stays around and continues to impress us for a couple more weeks.

Ramiele Malubay
She’s without a doubt the cutest member of the Top 10, but Ramiele Malubay is no David Archuleta. Although we’ve consistently liked her performances, she has not really connected with America like some of the other contestants have. There are a lot of people that would love to see an Asian-American Idol, but her fans are going to have a hard time keeping her in the competition when so many of the other contestants are so strong. Ramiele seems to be back to having fun with her performances, so perhaps she will be able to turn in a really strong performance that will snag her a higher spot.

Jason Castro
A lot of people (females mostly) are hailing Jason Castro as the savior of American Idol. He’s so innocent and nice, and look! He has dreadlocks! All he needs is a pair of sandals and a staff, and we can follow him through the desert to the Promised Land. Please. He’s a goofy, Muppet-looking douche who would probably be able to get you a bag of some pretty awesome weed (he knows a guy), but not much else. He’s obviously uncomfortable onstage and has hit more bum notes than Kristy Lee Cook (Hallelujah, anyone?), but for some reason he’s got America’s collective panties all atwitter. All we can say to Jason is, it’s been done.

Brooke White
She’s cute, blonde, perky, and wholesome. As a whole package, she’s compelling, and at the beginning we loved her Carole King – type vibe. But now the goody two shoes routine is wearing thin.

Michael Johns
Remember last summer when you taught your mom how to use her cell phone? Well, now she’s using it to vote for Michael Johns. I shit you not, check her outgoing calls on a Wednesday morning. This dude is seducing your mom. He’s got an army of 50 year old women waiting for him to ooze onstage and shake it every week. There’s no other reason that this cheesy abomination is still stinking up the stage. If he wants to make himself useful in this competition, he’ll drag his tired old carcass up there and do “The Safety Dance” for us. That would be good TV.

Kristy Lee Cook
Kristy Lee Cook should have gone home weeks ago, but her semi-crappy performances couldn’t hold a candle to the garbage that came out of David Hernandez, or the same-old same-old that Amanda Overmeyer was dishing out week after week. Basically, up until now, Kristy Lee has been the lesser of the two evils. But now she’s pretty much outclassed by the rest of the Top 10, and it’s time for her to bounce. She brings new meaning to the phrase “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on”.

David Cook
David Cook is a self-important bastard, isn’t he? Every week he strolls up onstage and emos all over the microphone and then looks really pleased with himself. This man is wearing ill-fitting jackets and musically dick-slapping us all every week, and a lot of people are going back for more. The judges say that David sounds ready to make it big and is immediately marketable, but to whom? Would anyone that you hang out with buy a David Cook CD? Think about it for a second. If the answer is yes, drop that friend right now. They’re dragging you down.

David Archuleta
One of the strongest singers in the competition, it’s already clear that David Archuleta has a good chance to take the top spot. Some people are even calling him a ringer in the vein of Jordin Sparks. We won’t go that far, but we will say that it’s been obvious to Idol watchers that the judges expect him to place very high. The kid is talented, we know, but couldn’t they have waited for him to finish puberty before they started whoring him out to the highest bidder? By 2012 he’ll have six DUIs and a gay sex tape, and it’s going to be ALL SIMON’S FAULT.

Carly Smithson
We like Carly quite a bit, and find her to be really talented and professional, but it will be interesting to see how she holds up against the more mainstream competitors like Cook and Archuleta. Here's hoping that her consistently unadvisable fashion choices don't drag her down.

Idol Rankings

2008-03-24T13:35:00.000-04:00

Here are our contestant rankings as of 3/25/2008, before the show.
This goes from bottom to top, with the 10th person leaving first, and the 1st person as the winner.

10. Kristy Lee Cook
9. Chikezie
8. Ramiele Malubay
7. Syesha Mercado
6. Carly Smithson
5. Michael Johns
4. Brooke White
3. Jason Castro
2. David Cook
1. David Archuleta

We'll post the amended rankings after the show recap, and see how we did tonight.