American Idol Rundown
Hey, Snarkers!We wanted to throw a little post out here to get everyone ready for tonight's show.
The recap will go up later on, but for right now, here's our contestant rundown.
Syesha Mercado
Syesha Mercado is a very pretty girl, and for some reason she looks like she should be the lead in a Tampax commercial. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, as we’re sure that kind of thing pays quite well, but she’s no American Idol. She’s sort of boring, frankly, and even though Simon likes her (or her breasts) we’re not totally feeling it. She’s one of the weaker singers in the competition, and we were not impressed with her over-emotional version of “Yesterday”. We’d like to see Syesha break out and do something interesting, but we’ve got a sinking feeling that it’s just going to be more of the same each week. However, if she keeps her tits out, she may be able to wrangle a higher spot.
Chikezie
Chikoozie, America really hates you. And that’s really unfair, because you’re pretty awesome. Chikezie’s fans are well aware that he is on the chopping block each week, and they’ll need to vote accordingly. Let’s hope that Chikezie stays around and continues to impress us for a couple more weeks.
Ramiele Malubay
She’s without a doubt the cutest member of the Top 10, but Ramiele Malubay is no David Archuleta. Although we’ve consistently liked her performances, she has not really connected with America like some of the other contestants have. There are a lot of people that would love to see an Asian-American Idol, but her fans are going to have a hard time keeping her in the competition when so many of the other contestants are so strong. Ramiele seems to be back to having fun with her performances, so perhaps she will be able to turn in a really strong performance that will snag her a higher spot.
Jason Castro
A lot of people (females mostly) are hailing Jason Castro as the savior of American Idol. He’s so innocent and nice, and look! He has dreadlocks! All he needs is a pair of sandals and a staff, and we can follow him through the desert to the Promised Land. Please. He’s a goofy, Muppet-looking douche who would probably be able to get you a bag of some pretty awesome weed (he knows a guy), but not much else. He’s obviously uncomfortable onstage and has hit more bum notes than Kristy Lee Cook (Hallelujah, anyone?), but for some reason he’s got America’s collective panties all atwitter. All we can say to Jason is, it’s been done.
She’s cute, blonde, perky, and wholesome. As a whole package, she’s compelling, and at the beginning we loved her Carole King – type vibe. But now the goody two shoes routine is wearing thin.
Michael Johns
Remember last summer when you taught your mom how to use her cell phone? Well, now she’s using it to vote for Michael Johns. I shit you not, check her outgoing calls on a Wednesday morning. This dude is seducing your mom. He’s got an army of 50 year old women waiting for him to ooze onstage and shake it every week. There’s no other reason that this cheesy abomination is still stinking up the stage. If he wants to make himself useful in this competition, he’ll drag his tired old carcass up there and do “The Safety Dance” for us. That would be good TV.
Kristy Lee Cook
Kristy Lee Cook should have gone home weeks ago, but her semi-crappy performances couldn’t hold a candle to the garbage that came out of David Hernandez, or the same-old same-old that Amanda Overmeyer was dishing out week after week. Basically, up until now, Kristy Lee has been the lesser of the two evils. But now she’s pretty much outclassed by the rest of the Top 10, and it’s time for her to bounce. She brings new meaning to the phrase “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on”.
David Cook
David Cook is a self-important bastard, isn’t he? Every week he strolls up onstage and emos all over the microphone and then looks really pleased with himself. This man is wearing ill-fitting jackets and musically dick-slapping us all every week, and a lot of people are going back for more. The judges say that David sounds ready to make it big and is immediately marketable, but to whom? Would anyone that you hang out with buy a David Cook CD? Think about it for a second. If the answer is yes, drop that friend right now. They’re dragging you down.
David Archuleta
One of the strongest singers in the competition, it’s already clear that David Archuleta has a good chance to take the top spot. Some people are even calling him a ringer in the vein of Jordin Sparks. We won’t go that far, but we will say that it’s been obvious to Idol watchers that the judges expect him to place very high. The kid is talented, we know, but couldn’t they have waited for him to finish puberty before they started whoring him out to the highest bidder? By 2012 he’ll have six DUIs and a gay sex tape, and it’s going to be ALL SIMON’S FAULT.
Carly Smithson
We like Carly quite a bit, and find her to be really talented and professional, but it will be interesting to see how she holds up against the more mainstream competitors like Cook and Archuleta. Here's hoping that her consistently unadvisable fashion choices don't drag her down.
Labels: Idol
posted by The Snarks @ 1:17 PM
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